Lily hated Mondays in general, but the Monday that marked the thirteenth day was pure hell. She woke up late, missed breakfast, barely got to class on time, and realized she hadn’t finished the last paragraph of an essay for Charms. She quick scribbled a lame one that she hoped would work.
In Transfiguration she gave the wrong answer, something that happened so rarely that everyone feasted on her mistake like buzzards on a carcass. In the same class, Penny, who was sitting behind her with Remus, quietly informed her that she had a glob of unknown substance in her hair. She washed it out in a bathroom before her next lesson, but the damp made her hard-to-tame hair frizz outrageously, so that she finally just threw it up in a messy bun.
By lunch her nails were raggedly chewed to the quick, she was über self-conscious, and she wanted to hide in her dorm for the rest of the day. Only making it all worse was the fact that James seemed depressed but didn’t want anyone to know it, so he was throwing out fake smiles and false laughs. She wasn’t taking the crap, though, and knew that he was brooding over the figurative time clock hovering over their heads. 1 day, 11 hours, 36 minutes, 45 seconds.
Having eaten nothing yet that day, Lily dug right into the meal, shoveling in meat and cooked vegetables and fruit, gulping pumpkin juice like she’d been stranded in the desert for ages. She knew the others were studying her gluttony with raised eyebrows, but she didn’t care. They knew she’d missed breakfast. Lunch was supposed to be the biggest meal of the day anyway, right?
She did force herself to stop and surface at one point, though, to let her stomach catch up and tell her whether or not she was full. She noticed that James, sitting to her right, was deep in thought, playing with the food on his plate rather than eating it for once. Finally taking into consideration the fact that it seemed she wasn’t the only one having a bad day, she placed her hand lightly on his back. He ended his introversion to give her his attention.
“You were right,” she told him, nodding at something on his other side. He sent a gander in the direction of her gaze and saw Remus and Penny, heads bent together and faces clouded with ire. They were bickering, something they’d been doing a lot the past few days.
He turned back to his plate, scooping up carrots with his spoon, then dropping them. To her, he said, “They’ll end it amiably; Remus wouldn’t allow anything else. They won’t make it awkward for the group.”
Lily nodded in agreement, still watching them. Was it good or bad that in their two weeks of “dating” she and James had never fought themselves? She didn’t know, and didn’t want to dwell on it.
Across the table she saw Peter muttering to himself as he mashed his carrots for no apparent reason; beside him were Sirius and Matilda, both of whom were absolutely absorbed in a conversation they were having. Matilda threw back her head and laughed, moving her hand from the table and placing it on his arm. Without hesitation, Sirius covered it with one of his own to hold it there. Smiling, eyebrows raised in earnest, he continued attempting to convince her of whatever she found laughable.
Lily turned back to her plate and decided she had a little room left for treacle tart. In the past two weeks, she thought, slowly lifting her fork to her mouth, three relationships had formed. One was merely a bud on a tree branch, blossoming with potential; another was going to go down gently, like an autumn leaf falling to the ground. And the last…
She didn’t know about the last one. It was a complicated, gnarled root in the ground. She was dreading tomorrow night, knowing she would have to make a decision she wasn’t sure she was ready to make. She really liked James—she was strong enough to admit that she should have given him more of a chance before. He was funny, he was handsome, he was smart, he was kind. He was everything that she thought a good man should be. But she didn’t love him.
Or did she?
She didn’t know. She wished her heart could talk to her, tell her what it was feeling. She didn’t trust her mind with the task of choosing, because her mind was still stubbornly stuck in her previous opinion of James: he was an arrogant, macho, womanizing fool who was only after a challenge. In a way, he was all that, but unlike her mind, her heart had learned that there was so much more to him than that. He wasn’t arrogant, he was confident and happy; not macho, but manly and strong and brave; he certainly was no womanizer, despite the rumors and gossip. It was as if she’d unwrapped a parcel, ripped off the ugly brown paper to see the wonderful surprise it hid.
She pondered her situation all afternoon, quietly sitting through classes she hardly paid attention to. She, James, Penny, and Remus were tangled up in their own cerebrations, and Peter was angry for being ignored so much recently. Only Sirius was cheerful, concentrating on the professors’ lectures and answering questions.
Upon leaving their last class, Penny took Lily aside and motioned for the boys to keep walking down the corridor. They did, slowly, with wary expressions on their faces. Penny and Lily followed a ways behind them.
After a moment of silence, Penny said, her voice low so as not to be overheard, “Sirius and Matilda are totally into each other. Congratulations.”
Lily nodded, the corner of her mouth turning up. “Thank you. It’s funny,” she laughed. “Sirius thinks he found her all by himself.”
“I heard some girls talking about them in the loo yesterday. They were green with envy. They said ‘that Fraser bitch’ came out of nowhere.”
“That she did,” Lily conceded seriously, eyebrows raised. “A month ago I would have laughed if someone told me I’d be in a situation like this now.”
She was referring to playing matchmaker for Matilda—Penny knew that, but purposely pretended to think her friend was talking about her deal with James. “Actually, I sort of saw it coming,” she confessed quietly. She turned her head to regard her friend with sobriety. “What are you going to do? Tomorrow’s the last day.”
Lily stared straight ahead. She’d figured this is what Penny had really wanted to talk about. “I keep asking myself just that.”
“Do you love him?”
She sighed and closed her eyes briefly. “I don’t know. I’ve been trying to keep my distance these last few days, trying to give him the hint that I’m backing away. I know he knows it, that he’s intuitive enough to realize what I’m doing, and I think that’s why he’s glum today.”
“I noticed that,” Penny said as she readjusted the strap of her book bag. “He’s probably in denial; he’s convinced himself that you have to have fallen for him.”
“I have fallen for him,” Lily replied, brushing her hair out of her face. “I’m very attracted to him. If he wanted to date for real after this, I wouldn’t say no. But he wants so much more than that.” She paused, pressing her lips together. “As strange as it sounds, he’s a young man who believes he’s found his true love. He wants to marry me, build a life with me, and live happily ever after. And I just don’t think I’m that attracted to him.”
“Maybe tomorrow you should suggest that you two just date normally.”
“I would, but I don’t think he’d accept.” Penny looked at her with dubiety. “I know, that sounds crazy after all he’s done to get me to go out with him, but it would be different after this ordeal. I think he would finally be disillusioned about me. He wouldn’t think it would be worth it if I had proven I didn’t love him as he loves me.”
Penny studied Lily’s impassive face. “Mm. You seem to know a lot about his thought process.”
The redhead shrugged. “He’s not one of those Man of Mystery guys, more Mr. Sensitivity. He’s very open about his thoughts and feelings, at least to a friend in private.”
They watched as the Marauders simultaneously glanced over their shoulders at them.
“Smile at them slyly,” Penny whispered in Lily’s ear, “and make them paranoid.” At the same time, the girls smiled fully, showing all their teeth.
The boys turned around again; Remus and James hunched their shoulders as though in defense. The girls laughed loudly, making sure it carried to them. Then Sirius and Peter hunched their shoulders, too.
“How are things with Remus?” Lily asked curiously after a moment.
It was Penny’s turn to shrug. “Deteriorating. He’s such a nice guy, he really is. But I know he’s lying to me about something. When I broach the subject, he could just say something like, ‘I would rather not discuss it,’ and we’d save it for a rainy day. But instead he turns to stone and gets really defensive, and only makes matters worse.”
“What do you think he’s lying about?” Lily wondered, brows furrowed. She hadn’t imagined Remus to be one to lie. They turned a corner and ascended a flight of stairs, following the Marauders to Gryffindor Tower.
Penny was silent for a moment, considering. She answered the question with one of her own. “Has James ever made Remus sound special?”
“I dunno…not that I can remember. Why?”
“I get the feeling that James, Sirius, and even Peter are constantly protecting him. It’s very subtle, and you don’t notice it unless you’re looking, but they seem to shield him in a way.”
“Remus gets sick a lot. In fact, he was looking awful pale today.”
“Yeah.” Penny was still frowning. “I noticed. Poor immune systems seem to run in his family, too; he’s always going to visit his ailing—or dying, for that matter—relatives.”
“Or pets,” Lily added absently.
Penny snapped her fingers as they rounded another corner and climbed more stairs. “That’s another thing. What’s with their clique-y pet names? They usually don’t use them around other people, but sometimes they let them slip.” She pressed her hand to her head. “What were they…? I can’t remember who’s who, but the names are Padfoot, Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs.” She glanced at her friend expectantly.
“Yeah, I’ve heard them use those,” Lily confirmed. “I never thought they meant anything unique. And I’m pretty sure Sirius is Padfoot. James often calls him that when he talks about him.”
“Padfoot…Sirius. Padfoot…Sirius.” Penny said the names slowly, pronouncing them carefully. “Sirius is a constellation, isn’t it?”
“Canis Major, also called the Dog Star.” Lily’s green eyes lit up. “Dogs have padded feet—paws. Padfoot.”
“Ah ha!” Penny exclaimed jubilantly, throwing her arms wide. The Marauders turned to look at the girls again, along with other students who were on the staircase. “In your face!” the brunette jeered, jabbing her finger in the boys’ direction. To Lily, she murmured, “One down, three to go.”
Lily laughed. Then as if some invisible entity decided she was having too much fun on her bad day, she stumbled, falling face first onto the stone floor. Her heavy bag landed on the back of her head, and there was an audible crunch. She cried out in pain.
Distantly, she heard Sirius, James, and Penny all exclaim her name. Her bag was lifted off her almost immediately and she felt Penny’s long, slim fingers gingerly pulling on her arm. Lily brought her hands up to cover her face, and gradually rose to her knees. There was a small puddle of bright red blood on the stone.
Tears trickled from her eyes, but she wasn’t crying. Her body was just reacting to the sharp, sudden pain. Rivets of blood ran down her cheeks beneath her hands.
“Ow,” she said, blinking her vision clear.
Penny was in front of her, examining her face. Soon James and Sirius had knelt on either side of Penny, concern etched in their foreheads. Remus, Peter, and some other witnesses hovered close.
Penny pried Lily’s blood-smeared hands away. “Let me see,” she commanded gently.
Everyone winced. Those who considered themselves squeamish walked away.
“Ith ih bahd?” Lily asked nasally. Her head was beginning to really hurt.
“Definitely broken,” Penny announced.
Sirius grinned encouragingly. “Madam Pomfrey’ll fix it. Maybe now we can convince her to straighten out that little hump you have.”
Lily glared at him as blood dripped onto her white uniform blouse. “Come on,” James sighed. He put his hands under her arms and helped her to her feet. “I’ll take her to the Infirmary,” he told the others.
“I’ll put your bag on your bed, Lils,” Penny informed her, moving toward the offending object. Lily didn’t dare nod her head, so she gave her friend a thumbs-up. James tossed his own bag to Sirius, who caught it easily and continued on toward the Tower.
Slipping an arm around his fake girlfriend’s waist, James inquired, “Does it hurt?”
“Ah liddle.”
Portraits gasped and called out with distress as they passed. James smiled at them all, assuring them Lily was all right. They were on the fourth floor, and therefore only had one flight of stairs to descend to reach the Hospital Wing.
In the Infirmary, there was only one bed occupied, and its inhabitant was asleep. After seeing Lily to a bed, James fetched the nurse from her office. Madam Pomfrey bustled out.
“A clean break,” she commented as she scrutinized the injury. She poked it experimentally; Lily jerked away with a grunt. Sitting next to her on the edge of the bed, James rubbed her shoulder.
The nurse decided to give her a little Skele-Gro to mend the nasal bone, which would mean Lily would have to lie in the hospital for several hours. However, the process should be complete in time for her to sleep in her own bed that night. Lily wasn’t looking forward to the pain she would have to endure for results. Madam Pomfrey assured her it wouldn’t be too bad or last more than a few hours because it had so little to do. Before putting on bandages, she wiped off all the blood and smeared a bruise-healing paste over Lily’s nose and cheeks.
“You’ll be good as new soon enough.” With that, the nurse checked on her other patient before ducking back into her office.
James found a wooden chair and placed it as close to the bed as he could. Straddling it, he folded his arms on top of the back and rested his chin on his arms. “I’m sorry this happened to you.”
“Th’all right,” Lily mumbled. “Nah your fauld.”
His lips twitched. “Maybe you shouldn’t talk.”
She sent him a dirty look but didn’t say anything else. Her nose was starting to tingle and she shifted restlessly, anticipating the pain.
“I’ve broken my nose loads of times,” he confided to her, raising a finger to rub the side of the feature. “Mostly playing Quidditch, but sometimes at home, too, fighting with Sirius.” He grinned impishly, rubbing it again. “Used to be a little off-center.”
She tried to smile, but her cheeks were immobile under everything. His grin faded and soon they were sitting in awkward silence, looking anywhere but at each other. Her eyebrows knit as the throb of her pulse reverberated throughout her skull, and the tingles turned to knifelike pricks.
His hazel eyes came back to her, scanning her condition. “Why don’t I,” he said slowly, “pop upstairs and relay your medical outlook to the others?”
She lifted her right arm marginally and sent him a thumbs-up.
He gained his feet. “Do you want me to bring you anything?”
Flipping her fist, she pointed her thumb downward. She would have requested food and one of the books she’d checked out from the Restricted Section, but didn’t think she would have the appetite or concentration needed to appreciate them for long. James bobbed his head once and left.
When he returned thirty minutes later, Lily was shifting her legs restlessly beneath the stark white sheets of the hospital bed. Her face was so pallid it nearly matched the bandages; her breathing was heavy and her eyes were pinched shut. He could tell she tried to swallow her groans of agony, but she didn’t always manage.
Brow crumpling with helplessness, he pushed the chair away and settled on the edge of the bed. Taking her rigid fist in his own, he pressed his lips to the back of her hand.
“It’ll be over soon, darling Lily,” he murmured, his voice rough with emotion. “You’ll be all right; I’m here.”
“There you are, then,” Madam Pomfrey said kindly, the corners of her lips tipping up. “Right as rain.”
Lily, sitting up in the bed, tentatively raised her hand her to brush her fingertips across the tip of her nose, then up to the bridge. The skin was soft and smooth, unbroken, and straighter than it used to be. She quickly glanced at James, who stood behind the nurse; he smiled and winked. Assured, she threw back the covers. “Thank you, Madam Pomfrey.”
“Of course, dear. Best get to bed now.”
The Head Boy and Girl left the Infirmary, shoving out of those long double doors. They weren’t headed up to Gryffindor Tower, but to the first floor and the kitchens.
“I am starving,” Lily intoned passionately, her stride long and quick. She felt her nose again. “Sure it’s all right?”
“It’s simply gorgeous,” he replied with deliberate exaggeration. At her look, he chuckled and added, “Really, Lily, it looks fine. Can’t even tell you broke your nose.”
“It feels straighter.”
“That’s because you expect it to. Your nose was straight to begin with. It looks just the way it’s always been.”
After a moment, she let her arm fall to her side. “I’m taking your word for it.”
“As you should,” he replied lightly. He slung his arm around her shoulders. “What are we doing tomorrow?”
She ducked under it and let it fall to his side. “I’m not doing anything beyond attending lessons. I don’t know what you’re doing; I’m not your keeper.”
“I believe I have Quidditch practice,” he said thoughtfully, ignoring her and putting his arm back across her shoulders. “Would you meet me after?”
She tensed. “Won’t it be late?”
“It’s late now, but here we are, wandering the corridors by torch light.”
“We are not wandering,” she issued firmly. “We have a specific destination in mind. But all right.” She tried her best to not let him hear the reluctance in her voice. “Where and when?”
“We’ll sneak out of the common room whenever I get there.”
Lily began to resist the urge to snap a salute, then thought, What the hell, and did it anyway. He sent her a wry look, but used his arm to drag her closer to his side.
They tickled the pear and braced themselves for the bombardment of doting house-elves. They were ushered to a seat, which happened to be the end of the mock Slytherin table, where they were urged to place orders of whatever they could possibly be hungry for.
Face stuffed with a sandwich, Lily put a hand over her full mouth and wondered aloud, “Did anyone come to visit me while I was indisposed?”
James swallowed some of his steak and potatoes. “Yeah, they all did, Penny and Sirius a few times. You probably don’t remember anything but the pain.”
She shook her head glumly before taking another bite.
He loaded his fork. “Sirius told me to tell you that somewhere an elephant is missing his nose, and Penny told me to tell you not to listen to Sirius.”
She chuckled and sipped her tea. “Of course.”
“Remus said, ‘Get well,’ which was a little misplaced, but you know what he meant. Peter grumbled something I didn’t understand, but I think he had good intentions.”
“Peter makes my stomach cramp.”
“I know, but he’s harmless.” He gulped butterbeer.
The topic of the freaky little idiot who could barely call himself a Marauder dried her mouth and killed her appetite. Luckily, Lily was nearly finished; she swallowed the last of her sandwich. It stuck in her throat, but she worked it down with the rest of her tea. Excusing a small, ladylike burp, she let the house-elves talk her into one of her favorite chocolate desserts. “I don’t think he likes me,” she confided before closing her eyes savoring the first forkful.
James glanced up, blinked, and stared. The expression on her beautiful face was one of such blissful delight, such ecstatic pleasure, that he suddenly had the urge to kiss her. Look at me like that, he thought longingly. He wanted to plunge his hands into the huge, errant auburn curls that she kept annoyingly tame, hold her still, and ravage her until she couldn’t remember who she was. He wanted her to tell him she loved him as much as he loved her.
She opened her eyes when he didn’t respond. “James.”
Heart beating rapidly, he dropped his gaze and acted like he was focused on eating. “He likes you,” he assured hollowly, and took a moment to chew while his brain labored to recall what they’d been discussing.
“Maybe,” she allowed, but wasn’t at all convinced. Honestly, she really didn’t care much about Peter’s opinion of her. She knew she should care what his friends thought about her, but that didn’t mean she did. It would be a more important factor if he and she were to have a real relationship, but they weren’t.
She noted his shoulders were slumping more than they had been a minute ago. She was about to inquiry upon his shift in mood when he said, “You’ll have those marks forever.”
He indicated her hand with his fork. She looked down and studied the big, bold X’s on the back of each of her fingers and heard the echo of her own voice saying something to that effect to Penny several days ago. This was the first time he’d mentioned the marks aloud, but she knew they probably bothered him. “They’ll fade eventually.” Just like your feelings for me. Your delusions. But she bit her tongue.
His lips pursed briefly, as though he somehow knew what she’d left unsaid, but then he relaxed. His shoulders squared. They finished their meal in what they pretended was a comfortable silence, but both knew, and felt, that it wasn’t.
The trek to Gryffindor Tower also began without words. Lily stole ganders at James, but he seemed entirely preoccupied with his cerebrations. The silence was making her break out in goosebumps, so she sought to fill the lapse with, “Read any good books lately?” She said it with a smile, half meaning for it to be a joke because it was as lame a line as “Enjoying the weather?”
He arched a brow at her. “Nothing in particular. You?”
She wanted to tell him about what she was reading in the books about the Dark Arts she’d checked out from the Restricted Section, but it was a touchy subject with James, and she didn’t want to bring it up. Besides, he didn’t know she was interested. “No, not really.”
“There is one book you’ve been carrying around a lot lately. The Chronicles of Cornelius Cofferhopper or something like that. What’s that about?”
That was the title she used to disguise the Dart Arts books so no one would know what their actual subjects were. She didn’t even know who the hell Cornelius Cofferhopper was. “It’s about Cornelius Cofferhopper, of course.”
He looked at her out of the corner of his eye. “Isn’t it fascinating how he captured garden gnomes so he could study them? He has a theory that if you feed them Brussels sprouts, they’ll grow to four feet tall.”
What did he think she was, stupid? “No, he fed them onions, not Brussels sprouts.”
His brow knit in surprise, but he smoothed his visage within moments of being trumped. “Right, it was onions.”
She let a few quiet seconds tick by. “You have no idea who Cornelius Cofferhopper is, do you?”
“Nope,” he admitted instantly, “no idea.”
There were two things she could do now: one, she could bask in false victory or two, tell him the truth. Waving at a portrait who greeted them, she considered her options. The victory felt nice, but she didn’t know who Cornelius Cofferhopper was any more than he did; she knew he knew she was lying, but he didn’t call her bluff and she felt like a complete know-it-all-but-not-really jerk. She loathed hypocrisy, but loathed being a hypocrite more.
Sighing, she told him, “I don’t know who he is either. The book isn’t about him.”
He waited.
Folding her arms around her stomach defensively, she said, “It’s a ruse. I performed a spell that hid the real title.”
Again he waited for her to say more, but when she didn’t, he asked, his voice a quiet rumble, “What’s the real title?”
“Dark Magic—Dark Purposes.” She bit her lip, anticipating his anger.
Instead, he drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly through his nostrils. He remained calm, and she didn’t understand why. “What is it about?”
Tentatively, she gave him a general synopsis of what she’d read so far. When she finished, he nodded and stared straight ahead, and silence ensued once more. Unconsciously wringing her hands, Lily wondered absently where Filch and his creepy cat Mrs. Norris were.
They stepped onto the staircase that would lead them to the sixth floor. James paused for some reason, and she looked back at him quizzically. Just then the staircase jerked as it swung to the side, and Lily tumbled into her fake boyfriend with a gasp.
He caught her, falling back only one step until he steadied himself against her weight. “Sorry,” she groaned. “I wasn’t paying attention.”
When the staircase slid to a stop, they righted themselves and continued on their way. “I’ve noticed you’re rather accident prone today,” he commented.
“Bad day,” she explained succinctly, her tone flat.
“Why are you interested in the Dark Arts?”
It was so casual she figured she hadn’t heard correctly at first. Then, gathering her courage, she said, “I…I was just curious, is all. I need to know everything.” She attempted a little laugh.
He didn’t even crack a smile.
The day was wearing on her, and she couldn’t find the self-confidence she usually had at the ready. She was drained, she wanted to go to bed, but she knew she should say this. “I’ve been thinking…about what I want to do, I mean, once I leave Hogwarts. At first I thought a teacher, but I really don’t have all the patience needed to deal with a lot of students. Or maybe I’d open my own bookstore on Diagon Alley. But that didn’t excite me either…”
She rubbed her arms to ward off the chill of the stone castle in winter. “Then I realized that I wanted to fight Voldemort however I could. I would feel like I was protecting my family—indirectly, maybe, but it would still count. I’ve been looking into Aurorship, and decided to research what exactly I’d be fighting.”
It seemed to her that he didn’t answer for hours. Really, though, it was only several long seconds. “You want to be an Auror?”
“Yes.”
“So do I.”
What was that supposed to mean? she wondered. “That’s great.”
He didn’t say anything more. It drove her crazy. She wanted him to tell her what he was thinking, how he felt about her decision. Usually he didn’t hesitate to make his opinion known, but for some reason he was holding back from her now.
They reached the Tower and found only a few housemates still awake in the common room. Being the Head Boy and Girl, Lily and James sternly suggested they go to bed soon.
He walked her to the base of the stairs that led to the girls’ dormitories. There, he gently took her by the shoulders and turned her to face him. Leaning down, he pressed his lips to her forehead, then again to her nose, signifying the feature was still kissable no matter what she thought.
Before she could say anything, he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tight, fitting their bodies together and holding fast. Because it seemed right, Lily lifted her arms and wound them around his neck. She sensed his need to make the moment important.
His lips moving against her ear, his breath tickling her neck, he whispered, “I love you.”
She exhaled sharply, thrown. She didn’t know what to say; she didn’t believe she could reply in kind just yet. “James,” she breathed, closing her eyes beneath pinched brows.
Dipping his head, he kissed her neck, then pulled away. With a small, sad smile stretching his mouth, he tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and disappeared in the direction of the boys’ dormitories, leaving her standing with her own mouth agape.
Someone coughed deliberately at her back. Having forgotten that she and James hadn’t been alone, she climbed the steps quickly, face flushing. With anger.
How dare he do that? Tomorrow was the time for such proclamations, not tonight. What did he think, that by revealing his own emotions he would somehow sway hers to his favor, seducing her into thinking she loved him back? That wasn’t going to work. She had a lot of soul-searching and debating to do, but she’d be damned if she would lose sleep over it.
